Why Don’t They Care?

With each new “Epstein List,” headline, I find myself screaming into my phone screen: Why don’t they care? 

How can they look past the sexual assaults, the predatory, pedophilic comments about his own daughter, or the 16+ women who have come forward to report his abuse?

I’ve finally come to a conclusion–It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they do care

They care about protecting him.

They care about normalizing his behavior. 

They care, because they, too, are protected by this normalization.

“If that’s assault then every woman I know has been assaulted.” They joke and spill their beer. They defend him because they are him–they must protect their own. 

They are the man who guilts his wife into sex and shames her for saying “no.” Nagging relentlessly until she finally gives in. Silent treatment if she doesn’t–punishment for any attempt to exercise bodily autonomy. 

They are the man who hears “no,” and tells a woman she’s “playing hard to get.” Right before sticking his hands down her pants–Quit playing games, girl, you know you want it. Her choice disregarded, the narrative flipped– she doesn’t really mean “no,” she’s just playin’ hard to get.  

They are the man who dated minors well into his late teens and 20s. Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, so says Aalyiah (R.I.P), but what Aalyiah didn’t know is that a grown man’s attraction to a teenage girl is not love. It’s pedophilia. It’s sexual abuse. If your uncle dated your aunt when he was 19 and she was 14, don’t expect them to stop supporting known sex offenders. They are him.  

They are the man who doesn’t wear a condom when his new girlfriend tells him to. Claiming a miscommunication when confronted, convincing her that she misunderstood his intentions. I thought you trusted me. Now he’s mad at her for expressing discomfort and she’s scheduling an appointment with her OBGYN. 

They are the man who teaches his daughter about keeping herself safe but never his son about consent. Young daughters turn into young women who feel the weight of the responsibility they hold, in keeping themselves safe. Even hypervigilance can’t keep them safe from boys like their dad. 

They are the man who thinks his wife’s body belongs to him. She better have sex when he wants, how he wants and where he wants. She complies because she was raised by men like him, who led by example. Dissociation is her best mechanism of defense, counting–one one-thousand, two one-thousand, it’ll be over in 30 seconds. Three one-thousand, four one-thousand… 

They are the man who pushes women up against brick walls in dark alleys, able to excuse their behavior as romantic when confronted. Her feet are no longer on the ground and the grip he has on her arms is getting tighter. A forceful kiss with a once interested woman, now terrified and alone, hoping it’ll soon be over. Just pretend you like him until you get into the light. 

They are the men women hide from, in arcades, on cruise ships. (just me?)

They are the men who ask, “what was she wearing?” 

They are the men who blame the rape victim for being drunk instead of blaming the perpetrator for raping someone … and being drunk. 

They are the men who sexualize the bellies of women– labeling crop tops and mid-drifts as provocative. 

They are the men who were raised by mothers who “always worried a woman would falsely accuse my son of rape.” Without knowing that her son has engaged in many non-consensual activities, all subtle enough to toe the line of consent. 

They are the men and women who teach their daughters that it is their duty to be pure. Convincing young girls that their virginity is a “gift” to their husband… gifts are usually for the keeping, so what message does this narrative send? 

They are the men and women who don’t care when sex workers are kidnapped, sexually assaulted, or murdered. 

They are the men and women who have the patriarchy ingrained so deeply within them that they look past the sexual assaults, the predatory comments about his own daughter, and the 16+ women who have come forward.

It’s not that they don’t care,

It’s that they do care.  

Because they are him.