People are dying, the system is crumbling, and it’s exhausting to play pretend
In my darkest days, the silver lining of it all is my sobriety. Also in my darkest days, battling the yearning to numb out with reckless abandon, is my sobriety.
How can I be both eternally grateful for something and want to abandon it altogether?
No, not forever. Only for a moment.
Until I realize there is no forever.
I don’t have forever.
I only have moments.
For me, moments of drinking lead to moments of darkness.
Moments of scream singing “hey, hey, you you I don’t like your girlfriend!”
Moments of He’s buying mine.
Moments of emptiness.
Moments of
Nothing.
Silence.
No memory recorded, only static in the background.
August came in like a lion. And on that first day of the new month, I found myself longing for the feeling of nothing.
I wanted every thought in my head to be nothing. No worries. No regard for anyone else. No regard for myself.
No regard because no one’s home. Brain chemistry altered and rewired from the:
Claws.
Shots.
Draft Beers.
Just one more’s
just one or two tonight’s
Old habits screeching, and rattling in my mind, until humor bubbles up as I imagine a world where just one wouldn’t lead to just barely being alive. Such a timeline doesn’t exist for me. There is no universe or dimension where alcohol and being my full self can coexist. This realization spins my feelings of craving and romanticizing into those of gratitude, fulfillment, and satisfaction.
Alcoholism may have come in like a lion, but I didn’t go out like a lamb.
It was once terrifying to consider my life without alcohol.
Would I lose friends?
How would I be perceived?
Would my relationships change?
How will my friends react?
Will people think I’m boring?
Some of these fears did happen–I lost friendships. People did (and still do) think I’m boring. We are all constantly being perceived, but now I only care about perceiving myself.
All of my relationships changed–some ended and some grew stronger.
Cutting alcohol out of my life meant that
I would start to feel feelings I’d been numbing.
I would start to think thoughts I’d been blocking.
I would start to experience people I’d been abstracting–only focused on my drink.
This new version of me may not be the type of person you need in your life.
I may not be the friend you’re looking for.
I won’t ignore the elephant in the room to make everyone comfortable.
I won’t make your successes the center of my world. I can be thrilled for you AND live for me.
I won’t judge you for simply existing, and I operate under the assumption that you will pay me the same courtesy.
I won’t always send a gift. We don’t need trinkets. Palestinians are being slaughtered. Grocery prices are outrageous. Capitalism sucks and I don’t promote it.
I won’t fill the silence because it's awkward.
I won’t gossip about people or judge other women to “bond” with you.
I won’t laugh at jokes I don’t find funny.
I won’t avoid conversations about heavy, important, shit because “we’re trying to have fun here.”
I won’t be going to bars after 10pm unless it’s for a REALLY special occasion, which I cannot think of, off the top of my head, one that would call for me to be out past 10pm.
I won’t go along with the status quo because of how I’ll be perceived. I’d rather you not perceive me at all.
I won’t waste any more time discussing my body, my looks or anything else that has been MADE UP by white men in charge. (unless it’s about getting strong AF & lifting heavy weights)
I won’t listen to you talk about your weight and your body…. We have more pressing matters to discuss. (unless it’s about getting strong AF & lifting heavy weights)
I’m no longer interested in participating in conversations or relationships with people, even casually, if I cannot be in my reality while you stay in yours.
I do not care if it dims the mood.
I do not care if it ruins the party.
I do not care if I am considered a killjoy.
I do not care if “it’s not the time and place.”
People are dying.
The system is crumbling.
and I’m finding it exhausting to play pretend.
